The Cure
by The Romanticidal Edwardian
Summary: It has been said before but my one testament for the world is that it never be underestimated or understated - Please, if nothing else in your life, understand - Love conquers all. ExB. AU.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Part I**

**The Same Deep Water As You**

Kiss me goodbye, pushing out before I sleep.  
Can't you see I try? Swimming the same deep  
water as you is hard. "The shallow drowned lose  
less than we," you breathe, the strangest twist  
upon your lips, "And we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye, bow your head and join with  
me." And face pushed deep, reflections meet,  
the strangest twist upon your lips, and  
disappear, the ripples clear, and laughing break  
against your feet, and laughing break the mirror  
sweet. "So we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye." Pushing out before I sleep.  
It's lower now, and slower now, the strangest  
twist upon your lips, but I don't see and I don't  
feel but tightly hold up silently my hands  
before my fading eyes and in my eyes your  
smile the very last thing before I go...

I will kiss you, I will kiss you, I will kiss you,  
Forever on nights like this, I will kiss you, I will  
kiss you, and we shall be together...

**-**The Cure


	2. Prelude

**Disclaimer**_**: **_I own nothing.

_

* * *

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There is more to this world than anybody can ever be specifically aware. I have seen the dark corners where monsters rule in shadows. Worse still, I've seen when they begin to rule the sun-lit open spaces that are supposed to bring a sense of security, and have had to rearrange everything I used to believe. Nothing is more terrifying than unsettled thoughts. I have been afraid; for myself, for the ones I love, for those that I will never know. But someone does.

_Demons come in all forms. Behind grotesque twists or angels faces they exist and pain is never far from their wicked grins._

_But for all this, the world holds yet more. To only believe in the dark is shutting out half of life. More than the power of devils or angels, I've seen and believe in the power of people, and the one strength we possess that no other creature, simple or super, can endure, understand, or cultivate - our ability to love._

_Love is a glow inside that is neither blanketed by night or overshadowed by day. It has been with me through everything. In my life I have seen the almighty power of it first hand and through others._

_It has been said before but my one testament for the world is that it never be underestimated or understated -_

_Please, if nothing else in your life, understand - _

_Love conquers all._

_- _An excerpt from the memoirs of,

_Dr. Carlisle Cullen_

Nobel Prize in Medicine,

Nobel Peace Prize,

and many others.

* * *

First real chapter should be up later sometime today. And yes, I will be updating Untouchable soon! But when I have an idea as clear as this one, I can't do anything else until it comes out. I've already got a good working outline for this story. I'm excited, as per usual. Please review!

-** The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	3. Love Song

_Whenever I'm alone with you,  
__You make me feel like I am home again.  
__Whenever I'm alone with you,  
__You make me feel like I am whole again._

- **Love Song,** The Cure

* * *

Her nose skimmed across the skin of his collarbone that was exposed, occasionally nudging aside the fabric of his grey button-down for more access. She inhaled deeply, slowly, enjoying the fragrance that was all him, clean yet musky in a way. Bella's fingers played idly with the next pearly button to be undone on her husband's chest.

"Are you sniffing me?" Edward asked teasingly, fingers running through her hair. The sounds of the television became background noises then. He pulled his wife so she lay more on him than the comfy cushions of the couch.

"Yes," Bella responded unrepentantly. "Do you have a problem with that sir?"

"I do not indeed," Edward said, voice deep as he gazed her. "Neither do I have a problem with you calling me 'sir' I find."

"You're such a man," she muttered, pressing her lips underneath his jaw.

Edward closed his eyes in bliss. "Your man," he said to her. His hands slipped to her hips. "Only ever yours."

"Hmmm."

Their lips met, moving softly for a time. Edward groped for the remote to turn off the television, as it was only serving to cover up the sounds of their kissing, and he didn't want to miss one of Bella's breaths.

The phone's shrill ringing eventually interrupted them. Dazed, they broke apart. "I'll never get bored of kissing you," Bella sighed happily, sitting up and stretching before standing to go retrieve the phone.

"Hope not," he smiled at her, before a mischievous gleam brightened his eyes. "How does one even _get _bored of kissing this?" He gestured up and down to himself.

Bella rolled her eyes. "You're still not funny Cullen, and you never will be. Hello?" she said into the receiver as she pressed the talk button on the phone.

"Something bad's going to happen today. I can sense it," Alice Whitlock answered from the other end. "And hello."

"You're right," Bella replied. "I can't find my favorite pen."

"It's behind your computer. That's not what I mean. I'm _serious_ about this."

"Right. Well. I'll be on the lookout then."

"Bella."

The girl in reprimand sighed. "Okay, thanks for the warning - I guess - but I don't what you're expecting me to do or say in response to that."

"Well," Alice said, her voice taking more on its normal chirping quality. "You and Edward could come over to our house for the rest of the day. I'd feel better if we were together. I just don't want us to end up like a bad horror movie, Bella!"

"Erm…"

"Bella, feel some mercy on my poor heart. I have a _really_ bad feeling."

"Oh all right, I guess we can," she sighed. "Though that will require getting appropriately dressed. You're lucky you're my best friend and I love you."

"I love you too! See you."

"Bye." Bella set the phone back on its cradle and sauntered over to resume her position Edward's lap.

"So what is it that we can do?" he murmured, kissing her neck.

"Your sister has a bad feeling apparently. She wants us to come over. That okay?" she asked.

Edward frowned. "Actually, no. I had some errands I was planning to run. I encourage you to go though."

"These errands," Bella said suspiciously, "They wouldn't involve any extravagant gifts would they?" Their third year wedding anniversary was coming up in a few days, and Bella had been monitoring her husband closely to make sure he didn't go overboard as usual. And as usual, she would probably fail anyway.

Edward's face became too innocent. "What are you talking about love?" His eyebrows, drawn together, suddenly raised up high. "Oh! Our anniversary is coming up soon isn't it?"

"Still not funny. Why don't you just give up?"

"Never." He captured her lips with his. "Go spend time with Alice. I've been monopolizing you lately."

"You're allowed to do that." She fiddled with his collar. Then she hugged him, kissing his cheek. "I'll miss you. Even though it's just a couple of hours."

He smiled. "We'll be together again before you know it."

* * *

"Where's Edward?" Alice demanded as soon as Bella stepped out of her Audi, shutting the door behind her.

"He had 'errands' to run," Bella replied, making air quotes as she walked up the stone path to the porch where her sister-in-law stood, hands on her hips, a malevolent expression alighting her thin, pixie-like face.

Alice threw her hands up. "Great," she muttered. "Exactly what I wanted to avoid. Well, in with you then," ushering Bella through the door. She turned the lock as soon as it was closed. "Something bad is coming," she muttered. "It's so similar to how I felt, before, when…" she trailed off, then shook her head. "No, couldn't be."

"Is she talking to herself again?" came a male voice from the hall before he made his way into the sitting room.

Bella looked to Jasper as she sat on the couch. "Of course."

"You laugh," the pixie-like girl scolded. "But one day you'll learn you need to trust me on these things."

"_I_ trust you," Jasper said, kissing his Alice on her forehead. "Which is why I made food to hopefully lure the two of them here." He looked at Bella. "I seem to have only succeeded in capturing one."

"Not hungry," Bella replied, messing with the dirt under one fingernail.

Jasper's intuition kicked in. "Something wrong Bella?" he asked soothingly, sitting down with her, pulling his own wife onto his lap.

Bella inhaled deeply, before letting it out. "Just worrying about our anniversary," she muttered, referring to she and Edward's. "And about what he's going to do…and how I'm ever going to reciprocate well enough."

Alice frowned, looking to similar to Edward in that moment. "Oh Bella, of all the silly things to worry about. You know it's always more than enough."

"What you need to work on is your monetary insecurities," Jasper added. "Which is what I think the real issue here is."

"Perceptive," Bella acknowledged with a hint of sarcasm. "But not entirely on the mark. Money's not the issue here, this time. It's the thought behind the gifts. Edward always gets it just so perfect - I'm just not that good with my feelings."

"You'll figure it out," Alice said encouragingly. "I have a feeling." She sighed then, biting her nail. "Oh, I wish Edward was here though. That one's not as strong as my bad feelings."

"Oh will you give it a rest," Bella complained. "Here I'll call him for you, if that makes you feel better."

Pulling out her cellular, she hit number one on her speed dial and pressed talk, shaking her hair out of the way of her ear impatiently.

The phone rang six times before it went to voicemail. Ignoring the look on Alice's face, Bella left a message for Edward to call her back, after listening to his answering message with a sense of contentedness at his voice.

"So he didn't answer his phone. He's been known to do that," Bella said in response to the unspoken words etched on Alice's visage.

Alice's raised eyebrow wasn't impressed.

Conversation commenced normally for a time, and Jasper did eventually tempt his sister-in-law to some food through some manipulation of guilt. The ever present clouds in the Seattle sky darkened more as the sun began to set. Jasper excused himself to get some work done in his study. Alice turned on a movie, which Bella, for her part, tried to find an interest in, before giving up and pulling out a book instead.

"Esme wants to have lunch soon," Alice informed her friend when the credits began to roll. "Make yourselves free."

"Of course," Bella agreed, eyes serious. "How is she?"

Alice sighed. "She's in one of her worst phases. Feeling more depressed than usual. I think it's the weather. I would like her to move somewhere more sunny, but it would feel too…crass to suggest."

"Yeah," Bella mumbled, playing with her fingernail again. She didn't like to think about this too much. "I'll let Edward know." She glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which, I should head home, I have to start dinner." She reached over to hug the small woman tightly. "This has been great, thanks for inviting me. I forgot how much I've been missing you," she smiled.

"Oh great," Alice laughed. "Thanks."

Bella winked. "Anytime."

* * *

Bella's ride home was uneventful as performed the mundane task, thinking instead about Edward, and what she would cook for dinner, and how he would probably come in - if he wasn't already home - and hug her from behind, burying his face in her hair, kissing her neck, murmuring how much he loved her. Bella smiled at her sappy yet accurate daydreams.

"This is my life," she said out loud to the empty air, and could barely contain her glee.

Edward's car wasn't in the driveway when she pulled up, and her fantasies became realistic again. Humming tunelessly to herself, she unlocked the house and walked in, shrugging her coat off and heading to the kitchen.

Rummaging through the cupboards, she noticed a couple items they were running low on, and began to make a list. "Sugar, chocolate chips, milk, peanut butter, spaghetti," she ticked off under her breath. She tapped her finger against her lips, contemplating different recipes.

A knock on the door startled her from her daydreams. Frowning as she made her way to the door, she wondered who it could be. Edward certainly didn't need to knock, possessing a key, and it was getting late to be an idle visitor.

Bella opened the door and stood shocked for a moment. Before her stood two policemen, faces drawn tight.

"Hello officers," Bella said nervously. "Can I help you?"

"Yes," replied the one on the right. "Do you know an Edward Cullen?"

Her heart stopped, before picking up overtime. "Y-yes, he's my husband. Why? Is he in trouble?" Her body began to feel strange, almost weightless, as if her suddenly thrumming veins were fluttering to escape gravity.

The policemen looked at each for a moment, before the first one sighed. "Mrs. Cullen, could we come in?"

"Of course," she mumbled, stepping aside to allow them entry.

"Is there somewhere we could sit down, perhaps?"

"No, just tell what this is about," she said, looking between the two of them. "Where is he?" Bella's voice rose higher as her panic did, the blood pumping in her ears almost drowning out anything else.

"Well, I'm going to give it to you straight ma'am. Something bad's happened to him," the officer said, then hesitated, as if considering.

"What?" she demanded. "What happened? What hospital is he at?" Her patience waned as her hysteria waxed.

"He's not at a hospital. That's just it - we don't where he is. All we found was his wallet and his shirt - " He broke off, hesitant again.

"And?" Bella urged.

The other office finally spoke up. "And we found them covered with his blood. It was everywhere."

Bella's shaking hands covered her mouth as she battled the urge to scream. Her eyes were welling with tears, body trembling, but she reminded herself she had to remain standing, and clung on to hope as a pillar.

She fought to keep her voice even. "But you didn't find _him_, right? Edward? That means he could still be ali…out there, right?"

"Well yes," the second officer agreed reluctantly. He and his partner shared another look. "But, Mrs. Cullen, to be honest with you - "

'Oh no,' she mouthed to herself, face facing the floor, shaking her head as if to ward off any discouragement.

" - we don't have much hope."

And then Bella could no longer stop herself from screaming.

_

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Other chapters will be longer, but this one told all it needed to. Please review, it's always such a reward that I can't begin to describe!

-** The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	4. Wonderwall

_**Disclaimer: **_All recognizable characters and dialogue belong to Stephenie Meyer and I don't pretend to have made them up. Some of the dialogue in this chapter follows along with _Twilight_.

_Back beat, the word is on the street_

_That the fire in your heart is out_

_I'm sure you've heard it all before_

_But you never really had a doubt._

_I don't believe that anybody feels_

_The way I do about you now._

- **Wonderwall **by Oasis

_**Present day, August, 2011**_

_It's been almost a year already_, Bella thought.

Emmett pushed her plate towards her. "Bella, you need to eat," he said sternly. She didn't snap out of her stupor and he sighed. He was only successful part of the time.

_It's still inconclusive, they still haven't found _him_, but…_

_The conflict inside has been rising. My heart shouts to never give up hope. He's out there, I feel it. If he was really _gone_, my heart would have physically stopped beating as well._

_But my head… Edward has never left me in pain. It's been almost a year. If he was out there, he would have let me know. But there's been nothing._

_It's a dangerous line I've been hovering. Hold on too long…or else let go too soon._

_I could hold on forever. If I were to let go…_

_That might be the end of everything. He wants me to live. I can't forsake him._

Bella continued to stay inside her head, as she normally did. She rarely returned to the real world of her own volition, only unless directed. Though she had essentially resumed her normal activities, and had even added an extra curricular, she had vacated life.

She couldn't think about the future because her head only saw despair.

She couldn't consider the present because it was equally empty.

Her only refuge remained the past, the only place she felt alive anymore now that her world was deemed dead. It was safe, so long as she didn't return too often to bleak reality.

So she just remembered.

_**January, 2006**_

"There's a new girl here today," were the whispers that followed her everywhere as she began the first day of her new life at Forks High, mid-way through junior year.

She kept her head down and on her traitorous feet, avoiding the stares of an array of curious eyes. These were her new peers.

All morning, she endured two of her worst fears - the spotlight, and meeting new people under forced conditions.

In Phoenix, where she had lived for most of her life, she'd been able to break away in middle school and just be on her own. Surrounded by people who had known her all her life, she'd been given her space silently.

Here, the routine of having to mingle in was expected again. It wasn't that Bella didn't like people or felt particularly antisocial - it was just that her interests and personality were such that she couldn't quite relate to anybody her own age for any extended period of time or on a deeper level than lightheartedness.

She had been alone by choice and by no means was it lonely, except for the rarest of occasions when she wondered what it would be like to have someone she could talk to about anything, not just people who were good to be around for fun and nothing more.

Throughout the morning, Bella kept an open mind as she met some of the braver students, unafraid to introduce themselves. But already, she missed blending in to the background and enjoying her own activities, her habits that had remained unshaken for years until now.

"Hi, I'm Jessica," said one girl who had already been in a few of Bella's classes. She tried to remember her name, but found it slipping as the day went on.

"Hey, I'm Mike."

"I'm Eric, nice to meet you!"

And so it went.

By lunch, Bella found herself sitting at a table full of exuberant people. To say she was shocked was an understatement. Lunchtime for her was normally spent in the library. She thought that might've been rude the first day though, especially since people seemed to be genuinely eager to know her.

"Do you miss Arizona, Bella?" a spiky-haired blonde boy asked her. Struggling for his name, she recalled it as Mike.

"Oh, yeah," Bella answered, startled. "The climate here is radically different than what I'm used to."

One girl raised an eyebrow at her while another boy responded with a "Yeah, I bet," which set off another conversation.

Sitting back into her seat, Bella looked around the cafeteria, trying to look absorbed in something.

Her eyes landed on one particular table and stayed there.

What drew her attention at first was that the two of them were the only ones sitting at their table, making it the most scarcely filled table in the room.

The girl was pretty and small, jet-black hair in a neat bob with a fashionable pink headband keeping the midnight locks out of her face. She was chatting seemingly amicably with the boy across from her.

Bella was ashamed to admit that the first thing that drew her eyes to him was the attraction she felt physically, a feeling she was accustomed to having or having directed towards men outside the fictional realm. But he had the most unique hair, a shade of copper she'd never seen before on a person. He had a sharply angled face, strong jaw and heavy brow, but there was a softness around his mouth even as it was settled in a frown that completed the beauty of him. He was staring at the table, appearing to be listening to the girl though not actively engaged.

Bella's fascination didn't go unnoticed.

"I see you've detected the Cullens," said the girl with mousy brown hair whose name Bella just couldn't remember.

"Um, well, I guess. I was just looking around," Bella said, blushing at getting caught. She tore her eyes away from the lovely boy.

"Oh don't feel bad," said the girl - Jessica! - raising her chin a little higher. "Edward _is_ gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date."

"Not allowed?" Bella ventured, playing with the edge of her tray.

Jessica scoffed. "Hardly! He's just an ice king. Doesn't like _anybody_," she muttered bitterly, and Bella covered her mouth with her hand to hide a smile. She felt bad about it, but Jessica just looked so…_sour_. Then Jessica resumed speaking, dropping her voice. "But, you know, I guess it's understandable. Some orphans _do _grow up with problems and psychological issues and all that."

"Orphans?" Bella asked automatically, unable to stop herself.

Jessica nodded enthusiastically, obviously pleased to be getting a receptive listener. "You see, he and Alice, the girl he's sitting with, they're _both_ orphans who were adopted by the best doctor in town, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Apparently he and his wife can't have kids or something. And that's why they don't really look alike either because they're not blood related. Anyway, they moved here in freshman year and _obviously_ we all got excited because, well, just look at Edward. But like I said, he doesn't like anybody. I think he thinks he's better than us. He's turned down every girl and doesn't befriend any guys either. Just hangs out with his sister. I don't think she cares very much for being friends with us either. In my opinion, they're both snobs, you know?"

Bella shrugged vaguely, feeling uncomfortable with being expected to make a critical opinion about people she didn't actually know.

Bella lapsed back into silence, occasionally sneaking peaks at the bronze-haired boy across the room until one critical moment when her eyes accidentally met Alice Cullen's. Then Bella had to look away quickly and control the urge to look again. She hadn't missed the small smile on Alice's lips when their eyes locked.

When the bell finally rang signaling the end of the lunch period, Bella pulled out her schedule to see that she had biology next.

"Hey, where's Mister. …" Bella consulted her schedule, "Banner's class?"

Mike answered her. "That's my next class too! Just follow me Bella, I'll walk you there."

Bella liked him well enough so far, most likely in the fact that he was a very familiar personality. He seemed to be an average teenage boy, and they were everywhere, like her old home.

Bella took a minute to get her backpack's strap loose from the chair leg it had wrapped itself around and then proceeded to follow Mike to the doorway closest to them, which Bella thought was rather convenient. She wasn't the most coordinated person, and hated navigating classrooms and lunchrooms due to all the obstacles to maneuver.

This lack of coordination was displayed brilliantly when they had almost reached the double doors, and then disaster struck.

As they were crossing the exit, Bella's foot ended up catching the doorjamb. She was familiar enough with the situation to know what it meant as she felt herself flying forward. Her eyes shut and she let out a soft, involuntary cry as her hand flew out for impact.

It never came. Instead, her hand contacted another one, which curled around her hand in a strong grip. Then an arm came around her waist from behind, pulling her against a hard chest and away from what had previously been rapidly approaching ground.

When Bella finally realized she was no longer falling forward her eyes opened and she blinked in surprise at the pale hand gripping her own. With a stomach that was now starting to fall into her feet, she slowly turned her head to look up at her savior.

Edward Cullen's face stared down at her, expressionless. He released her hand and her waist after standing her upright. Without a word, he brushed past her through the doorway.

Bella realized she didn't even get to say thanks.

"Woah Bella, be more careful," Mike laughed a little, touching her arm. Bella realized he was trying to get her attention back because she was staring blankly at where Edward had been.

"Yeah," she muttered. "Sorry. I was hoping to start over with a less clumsy reputation. Maybe next time."

Despite the mishap, Mike and Bella still ended up getting to biology early, judging by the few people that were there. Bella's stomach dropped again as she saw Edward sitting at the black lab table in the very back, absorbed in his textbook. His face was intense, eyebrows drawn together, hand in his hair keeping it from his eyes.

_He would be in here,_ Bella thought with an internal sigh.

Embarrassed, Bella tried to decide where she was going to sit, ignoring where she _wanted _to sit. And Mike had taken his seat and there was a girl already sitting next to him.

Choosing a lab table in the middle, she sat hitting her knuckles together nervously.

When people finally started trickling in, Bella began to have a bad feeling in the back of her throat when a brown-skinned boy walked in the room and stopped when she saw her. Then his stride became more purposeful.

He cleared his throat when he was standing next to her. "Hi, I'm Tyler," he said. "And you're in my seat."

"Oh," Bella muttered, feeling her neck and cheeks warming. "Sorry."

Grabbing her things, she stood up on slightly shaky knees, wondering what to do next. She could feel several people looking at them. "Are there any open seats?" she asked him.

Tyler's finger jabbed back to the far back corner, and Bella already knew where he was going to be pointing.

Taking a deep breath, she did a slow pivot and moved over to Edward Cullen's table.

She coughed a little when he didn't look up from his textbook. "Excuse me," she whispered, voice hoarse. She coughed again. "Can I sit here?"

"I suppose so," he replied, still reading. "You can hardly sit on the floor, can you?"

"I'm starting to feel like that's the only place left," Bella said, sighing.

With that, Edward Cullen finally glanced up. One corner of his mouth lifted briefly. "Don't worry. I'm not _that_ mean."

"How mean are you then?" she asked with slight worry, which - to her chagrin - was apparent in her voice.

"It depends on who you ask," he muttered, becoming absorbed again in his textbook. Bella wanted to tell him how she understood his concentration with his reading because she was the same way and hated to be interrupted, but it seemed contradictory in nature to actually say.

Mr. Banner walked in then and class began. The lesson centered around mitosis. This class was just in the middle of it, but in the AP classes Bella had taken in Phoenix, she had already completed this lesson in her freshman year. Feeling pleased that so far she seemed to be more than capable in her abilities to perform well in classes here, the feeling was exacerbated when Mr. Banner announced that today was a lab day, labeling different slides of the various stages of mitosis. She had already done this lab before. And was perhaps eager to be able to show off a little to her new lab partner, whom she didn't get the feeling she was impressing so far.

"I'm Bella, by the way," she said as they started setting up the microscope and turning their books to the appropriate page. "I realized I never introduced myself."

"I'm Edward," he replied. "That should have been the first thing I said to you. My apologies on my rudeness. I do know my etiquette."

"That's very…civilized, of you," Bella said, biting the inside of her cheek to withhold a smile.

Bella insisted on taking the first slide, glancing into the microscope for a matter of mere seconds before emerging from the little glass eye-hole to announce, "Prophase."

"Allow me to check too?" Edward asked her politely, but there was an undercurrent of cynicism that Bella picked up on.

Grinning, she slid the microscope over to him.

Edward emerged, undeniably impressed as he appraised the new girl, this Bella. Clearly, he had misjudged her. At least, that's what Edward had told her later.

They finished the lab quickly, in a matter of minutes despite of the rest of class time to do it, and the questions on the work-sheet that accompanied the lab were a small laugh for a girl who had been in AP Biology, and a boy who was just brilliant and constantly strived ahead.

There was silence for only a short time between the two, before their curiosity and undiscovered feelings of something _more_ pushed them to speak.

"Thanks for catching me earlier," Bella tried to say as smoothly as possible. And failed, due to the slight tremor in her voice. "It's nice to be able to escape a situation unscathed for once."

Edward grinned a little at her. "You just seemed so braced for impact. I thought I'd help out." But he looked confused at his own explanation.

_That's not why, _he told her later, _Exactly. There was just something so accepting of the inevitable in your face, your sweet face. I didn't want that for you. I didn't realize that at the time, obviously, but those were definitely the driving forces behind my actions._

"Well thank you," Bella whispered.

Edward nodded. Silence fell. Then -

"Why'd you move?" he asked, looking out the window as if the question didn't really interest him. "Phoenix weather has got to be radically different."

Bella smiled in disbelief at his phrasing. She would realize later that _that_ was the moment where she fell just a little bit in love.

"It is, but…um. It's complicated."

He turned his head to look for, his lips pursed. "I'm pretty smart, if I do say so myself. I think I can keep up."

"I'm sure you can but…" She made the mistake of turning then to look right in his eyes, smoldering green emeralds, and the words were out her mouth before she realized she'd given in. "My mother remarried."

Edward's head tilted, looking at her seriously. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not…a bad thing. For her, she's so happy now. That's amazing. I mean, she's always been a carefree spirit but now she has someone who just puts a twinkle in her eye. I'm so happy for her." Bella blushed at how much she was saying.

"And?" Edward asked gently. "That doesn't really explain how you ended up here."

"I made the decision to move. Because Phil - her new husband - is a minor league baseball player, and he moves around a lot. Renee - er, my mom - she wanted to go with him but…you know, she couldn't just leave me for weeks at a time. This just seemed the best way for everyone."

"Are you included in that?" Edward asked, raising a brow.

"Well….my mom's happy. So yes, I guess I am."

"But are _you_ happy?"

"This is just for the best, for everyone."

Edward scoffed. "I take that as a no."

"Well…I mean…there were other reasons I left," Bella stuttered, trying to ward off the pity.

"You don't have tell me if you don't want to," Edward murmured. "But I would like to know, if you want to say."

Bella took a deep breath, trying to clear her cheeks of the influx of blood pouring into them. "I just felt like an intruder in my own home. 'One of these things does not belong,' and all that. It was kind of like Renee is moving on to a new place in her life and yet, there I was, a relic from the past that reminds her that she can't truly move forward. I felt very out of phase.

"And there were other things that made me feel uncomfortable," she mumbled, trailing off.

"Like…?" Edward urged.

Bella smiled slightly. "I don't normally talk this much, let alone about myself. You're too easy to talk to."

Edward smiled. "I've never heard anyone say that about me before."

"Really?"

"Yes. I suppose there's no one I talk to though, so the opportunity has never arisen."

Bella fiddled with her fingers. "Why are you talking to me then?"

"I guess you're easy to talk to as well."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Why else did you leave? What made you uncomfortable?" he prompted.

"Oh. It's…difficult to describe. Phil's a nice guy but at the same time…it just felt weird to be around him. I mean he's pretty young, and I'm already seventeen…no this is coming out wrong."

Edward furrowed his brow. "Wait, did you ever suspect him of…?"

"No, no, that's why I said it's coming out wrong. I mean it's just because I haven't known him all my life so he'll never really feel like family to me. He'll always be just Renee's, and it'll just feel like I'm taking showers and sleeping and living with some thirty-year-old guy. I'm not trying to make it sound perverted but the situation was just…uncomfortable."

"I think I understand," he said slowly. "I can see how that'd be strange. I'm just glad you don't think it would have turned…into a bad situation."

"Oh no," Bella frowned. "Nothing like that. Like I said, he's a nice guy and seems very devoted to my mom. I just didn't fit in there anymore."

"You shouldn't have to kick yourself out," Edward said, slightly indignant.

"It's better this way," Bella repeated. "Easier."

"On who?"

Bella ignored it this time. She didn't want to say out loud that it didn't matter because she didn't fit in anywhere anyway. It would just sound like teenage cliché cry for attention number one. And Bella really found herself clicking with this boy and wanting to make a good impression. She'd already made herself sound pathetic enough.

"You should meet me sister," Edward suddenly declared.

"W- why?" Bella stuttered, confused at this abrupt change in subject.

_To make you come over,_ he had confessed to her later.

Mr. Banner interrupted them then, wondering why there were chatting and not working.

He ended up walking off, grumbling about smart asses.

_**Present day, August, 2011**_

There were days when Bella just couldn't make herself leave her bed. Her life existed as a routine of going through the motions, pushing the emptiness in her soul to the side so she wouldn't have to come face-to-face with its reality. But sometimes it became too over-bearing to make that possible. She would wake up and realize, really _know_, that she would always be half, that this was it, that _he_ was never coming back. The knowledge weighed her down so much, that heavy comprehension that life as it was now was for always, that she could physically not move. Days would pass, not eating, barely moving, as she slept through the nightmares, or stared aimlessly, trying not to think, to understand, to be.

;…;

_Sorry about the wait guys! I know I'm awful, but I'm finally getting over a hard period in my life and really throwing myself back into my stories. Not all of them, mind you. I'm still taking a break from How to Hear, Collision of Worlds, etc. But I will be updating with some frequency these stories: _**Reasons Why, The Cure, **_and a new story that I should be posting the first chapter of soon_, **Exiles From Delight**.

_Thank you for your continued support and I would so appreciate to hear your thoughts!_

- **The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	5. Chain of Flowers

_All I want is summer _

_stories from before. _

_Just like the day you tried to hide _

_Behind the churchyard wall, _

_And fell asleep before I came. _

_I found you in a chain of flowers. _

Chain of Flowers, _The Cure _

_**March, 2006**_

For the past two months, Edward and Bella talked everyday at biology, and in February, Bella started sitting with him and Alice at lunch.

It was friendly and exciting, meeting people that Bella actually felt a connection with. Edward had been a big surprise, but to Bella, befriending Alice had been the more shocking of the two new friendships because Bella had never really had a close girlfriend, aside from her mother.

The first time Bella and Alice ever spoke cemented their friendship. One day in the parking lot, Bella ended up walking with Edward who had arrived at the same time and near the same spot and so, by default, was walking with Alice as well.

"Hi Bella!" Alice said calmly, despite the ecstatic look on her face that was kind of creeping Bella out. "It's so nice to finally meet you! I can tell we're going to be great friends."

"How do you know that?" Bella asked, confused.

"Professor Trelawney told me," Alice answered in a mystical voice.

"You're right Alice," Bella said seriously. "I love you already."

And that was that.

Edward had shaken his head at the exchange, but continued walking on in silence. Often times, Edward didn't speak even when it was just him and Bella, but she had gotten used to it, surprised to find herself actually be the talkative one in the relationship.

Even though the idea that they had a relationship made Bella blush.

But it was just friendship as it stood.

Until one not so special night when Bella had gone to bed early. Waking up at around two in the morning on a Saturday, she found the house was deserted. Charlie had been planning an out-of-town fishing trip with his friends on the nearby reservation and had already left for the drive. Yawning, Bella grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and drowsily meandered back up the stairs to her room.

Before collapsing into bed Bella took a cursory glance outside her window and then looked away. But then with a startled gasp, Bella just barely managed to avoid dropping her water in her shaking hands as she realized that there _was _someone outside her window.

Peering closer, Bella was shocked to see Edward in the street, pacing, all the while shooting furtive looks at her house.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Bella bounded out of her house, her head cocked to supplement her curious gaze.

"Edward?" she softly called and his head shot up, face torn somewhere between relief and dismay.

"Oh, um, hey Bella," he responded, bring an arm back to scratch behind his head.

"What are you doing here?" she asked slowly, stepping down to the last step of the porch, her bare toes wiggling against the cracked, worn wood.

"Me? Oh, I was just..." Edward took a deep breath. "Driving around..."

_I was so incredibly nervous_, he told her later. _To befriend a girl was just incredible enough, but then to realize I was developing enough feeling to want you around me constantly...I was drawn to you like a moth to light._

"...And, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drive with me."

Bella leaned against the wooden porch handrails. "Where to?" Her heart pounded so hard she felt sure he could feel it. Part of her wanted him to. But just to have him here, _Edward_, wanting to be around her...it was surreal.

"I was thinking Long Beach Peninsula," Edward admitted. "We'd be back before morning though."

Bella shrugged. "It's Saturday and my dad's out of town. I don't really care when we come back." Bella looked down at her plaid pajama bottoms and baggy white shirt. "Can I go like this?"

"Absolutely," Edward sighed into a smile, looking unbelievably relieved that he hadn't been rejected.

_If you had said no_, he told her, _That really would have crushed me in a definable way. I was falling in love you; falling for the first time. I wasn't ready to feel the heartbreak of rejection so quickly_.

_Like I could ever say no to you,_ Bella had responded.

_**August 14, 2011**_

Sweat poured down Bella's flushed body in sheets as she glared forward. Her feet slapped against the revolving black running board until it became just another beating organ sound. Her heart pounded hard reminding her that she was alive, but under the circumstances she could fit in no room for sadness.

Just pure survivor-instinct determination.

When the machine beeped off and the revolving belt stopped, Bella just stood there, staring blankly into space.

Next to her, a huge, well-built man stopped his running as well and jumped off his treadmill, landing on glistening legs.

"I can't help but to notice," Emmett started to an unresponsive Bella, "That you seem even more distant that usual. And I didn't realize that was possible." A large hand clamped down on her shoulder. "What's up girl?"

When Bella didn't immediately answer, Emmett pulled away, reaching into his pocket to check the exercises he still wanted her to do.

"It's our anniversary," Bella suddenly mumbled and Emmett startled up.

"Sorry, what?"

"It's...our...anniversary," Bella mumbled again, but this time Emmett made out the words. He knew who 'our' referred to, even though she never said his name. Well, tried not to anyhow.

"Oh," he answered, looking down. "Right. So it really has been a year, hasn't it?"

Bella lapsed back into her own space and didn't answer.

Now intent on distracting her, Emmett clapped his hands together. "All right," he boomed, "Thirty more minutes on the treadmill, cardio work, no excuses!"

Bella no longer smiled about anything, but there was a ghost of upturned corners upon her mouth, the closest she got to one nowadays. Emmett's comment about excuses was ridiculous and they both knew it.

She never gave him any.

_**March, 2006**_

As soon as they were driving off, Edward turned a CD on, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers started playing, circa Stadium Arcadium.

Bella felt just a little bit snubbed as the loud melody poured out his car's high quality speakers. He brought her along and didn't want to even talk to her? Some of the elation and myriad of hopeful romantic ideas she'd been getting vanished and she felt foolish for dreaming like a blushing school girl. Of course this would not mean to him what it meant to her.

When they had been on the highway for about twenty minutes, Bella gave up waiting for him to talk and finally relaxed back into her seat, crossing her arms and looking at the passing scenery out of her dark window, the periodic light posts flashing orange shadows on the black trees.

"Thank you," Edward suddenly whispered. "For coming." Even over the music, Bella heard him.

She softened. "Of course," she said back. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Normally I make these trips alone," Edward continued quietly. "Actually...I've never brought anyone with me before."

Bella's brow furrowed. "Not even Alice?"

Edward just shook his head. "No. I just turn my music on and then drive until I don't want to drive anymore, and then drive a little bit further away before coming back. Sometimes I just have to _go_. And I'm normally happy about going alone. But I guess...sometimes, I wonder what it would be like, to not go alone. But there's really been anybody..." Edward cut off, perhaps realizing he had said too much, and lapsed back into silence.

But to Bella in meant the world, and the silence took on a brand new meaning. He wasn't shutting her out of his world – he was engulfing her in it.

Music was the only conversation between the two on the drive to the beach. But after the music and engine shut off and they were both exiting Edward's car to head down to the water, Bella wrapped up in a spare jacket of Edward's, their voices began sounding again.

"How often do you come here?" Bella asked, walking close to him for body warmth.

He looked down at her, the look in his eyes still reminding her that this was strange for him too.

"A couple times a week, usually," he answered.

"Hm," she muttered. "Lot of gas money."

"Consider it the price of keeping my sanity," Edward breathed, closing his eyes and tipping his head back to breathe in the cool, salty air.

He was so beautiful in that moment that Bella was lucky enough to witness, youthful and alive, for the first time. His hair fell gently away from his face, his angular bone structure defined and softened by the shadows. They had both stopped in the chilled sand, the temperature sinking through their tennis shoes in an almost meditative way.

"Edward," Bella suddenly interrupted. "Why did you bring me with you?"

Edward's head fell forward, the youthful peace on his face gone and replaced with a piercing gaze that he settled on her. "Because. You're important to me - if you haven't managed to gather that already."

"And still so much attitude is given to the important person," Bella said shakily, the inside of her mind jumping for so much joy she felt incoherent.

Edward just grinned and shook his head.

Edward's hand found hers in a jolt of electricity and he pulled her closer to the beach. "I want to walk along the water," he said.

So they did, walking half a mile and talking, exchanging ideas, thoughts, opinions, and general commentary. Then they began the way back.

"So you were adopted?" Bella asked, and Edward took her hand again, making them both shiver.

"Yes," he said. "Carlisle adopted me when I was seven, then he met Esme, who had adopted Alice when she was athree." Edward's brow furrowed. "Good thing too. Esme was teaching in Biloxi, Mississippi at the time when state officials found Alice abandoned in a filthy house, parents gone. There was no record of Alice because her parents had never taken her to the hospital, even to be born. State officials found her in the house malnourished and completely uncared for. So Esme saved her." Edward stopped for a moment, pulling Bella closer as he looked out over the water. "As for me, both of my parents died of cancer when I was seven, and Carlisle adopted me. That's a big part of why Carlisle decided to go into the research of medicine, to try to find a cure and prevent any other child from suffering my fate." Edward looked down at Bella. "But I don't feel like I've suffered. Considering the lot I've been handed, I've been pretty lucky. I've always been surrounded by good people. And I understand how rare and precious a gift that is."

Bella just smiled up at him, her eyes watering. "I'm so glad you're you," she told him.

The talk turned from serious to light and back again as they continued walking, just saying whatever they wanted.

It was the most Edward had ever talked, especially about himself.

In response to some video game conversation, Bella rolled her eyes and Edward froze. "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" he demanded.

"Yup," Bella responded unapologetically. "I'm sure what you were talking about was riveting, but I would rather read a good book than play some stupid game."

Edward's eyes slowly turned from narrowed to mischievous. "I'm going to have to punish you for that," he warned and Bella just laughed.

Grabbing her so quick she had no time to respond, he ripped the jacket off and threw it behind them before lifting her into his arms, wading into the cold water, and then dropping her in before running back to dry land.

"AHHHHHH!" Bella screamed as she emerged, dripping wet and freezing. She shook her head quickly to rid the water from her face before glaring towards the shore, standing up and running towards Edward, who maintained a safe distance from her, though she kept trying to press her soaked body against him.

Then a thought occurred to her.

"Fine," she said, shrugging. "It's _your_ car that's going to suffer."

"Oh, you're not getting in _my _car like that," Edward smirked.

Bella sputtered. "But – but – you - !"

"Well you should have thought about that before you got yourself dropped in the ocean," he laughed, carefree and happy. Then he began to run as, teasingly outraged, Bella rushed to pull him into the ocean as well.

He let her.

* * *

The IHOP waitress didn't even raise an eyebrow as the two damp teenagers took a seat in the diner at four in the morning. "What can I get you?" she asked.

"Hot coffee," Edward answered.

"Hot tea please," Bella requested.

Nodding, the waitress walked off.

"I still can't believe you did that to me," Bella muttered.

"You loved it," Edward beamed, grinning in his crooked way that was so right. His foot nudged hers under the table and Bella blushed.

"Maybe a little," she admitted. "Except for the cold."

Edward grinned a little embarrassedly. "I've got a blanket in the car for the ride home if you want to use it."

She nodded and then began pouring sugar into her newly arrived tea. "At least it's warm in here."

At the end of the meal, Bella pulled out a couple bucks to cover the cost of her drink.

"No," Edward suddenly said sharply. "I'm paying."

"Why?" Bella asked, genuinely confused.

"The girl never pays."

"If you're on a date," Bella pointed out.

They stared at each other.

When the waitress came back, Bella let Edward pay.

* * *

_Kiss me_, was all Bella could think when they pulled up to her house as the sky turned lavender from the approaching sun, so close to peeking over the side of the earth. _Please kiss me_.

Edward walked Bella to her door. "Thank you for coming with me again," he said. "It was...the best trip I've ever taken."

"No problem," Bella grinned. "Thanks for paying."

They stared at each other again.

_Kiss me_, they both were thinking.

"Well, see you Monday," Edward said after a minute of standing there.

"Yeah..." Bella responded. "See ya Monday."

Edward nodded, hesitated a few more seconds, then left.

Bella went inside and started beating her head against the wall.

_Yeah,_ Edward told her later. _I yelled at myself all the way home too._ And then they laughed at their own foolish hesitation.

_**August 14, 2011, present day**_

Bella dreaded going home to her empty house, with _his_ things exactly where he had left them a year ago. This had been a bad week anyway. It was the anniversary of his disappearance, and the anniversary of their wedding, the occasion that _he_ had been shopping for when he...

The guilt was unbelievable. Bella was physically weighed down by it. All she wanted to do now was go crawl in bed for the next few days and not get out.

She took a standard shower and went through the motions of getting ready for bed. When she looked in the mirror over the bathroom sink, she couldn't even see herself anymore. She just saw a girl who had nothing to live for.

Trudging zombie-like into her room, she went to collapse on her bed before something caught her eye.

She screamed.

Lying on her pillow was a little velvet box that look like it would hold jewelry, wrapped in a red bow. A small white car laid next to it.

Looking around, Bella put a hand over her hollowly thumping heart. No one was there that she could tell. _It's a sick joke, _she thought. _Just a sick joke_. But no one who knew her would ever do anything like this.

With trembling hands, Bella picked up the velvet dark blue box, pulled the ribbon off and let it tumble to the floor, and slowly opened the box. Inside lay a small gold necklace. Her fingers felt numb as she opened it. Inside, it read, _More than my own life_.

Swallowing, she picked up the card next and read with disbelieving eyes. She read it ten times at least, her breathing shallow. No. This was just too impossible. Throwing it down, she ran out of the room and down the stairs, hopping in her car and driving away.

Slowly, the card drifted down to lie on the floor in the abandoned room, next to the blood red ribbon. Lying starkly against the pristine white card stock was elegant black ink with a simple message written with it.

_- Sorry it's late._

* * *

So. Please review! I love to hear them and they make me update faster, now that I got a new laptop :)

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	6. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy

_If you want my body and you think I'm sexy_  
_Come on, sugar, let me know_  
_If you really need me just reach out and touch me_  
_Come on, honey, tell me so_

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? by _Darren Criss (cover)_

* * *

_March 2006_

Bella wasn't actually too sure where she and Edward stood the Monday after their ride to the beach. She nervously ate her bowl of cereal, glancing at the clock. Her foot tapped against the legs of her chair, and her fingertips twitched every so often.

Now, she wondered, should she leave early? Or would that be too much of an assumption on her part that Edward would want to hang out with her again? But if she left late and he did actually wait for her...

"Too much drama," Bella sighed, feeling sick and ecstatic at the same time. Her stomach boiled and her heart fluttered.

Before Bella could kill herself over the process of making this crucial decision there was a quick series of raps on the door. Heart jumping into her throat, Bella wished that when she opened the door, it would be who she thought, or hoped, it was.

And her dream came true. Edward stood outside her door dressed to the nine in what looked like clothes straight out of a Burberry advertisement, looking at her with nervous eyes that he was attempting to glaze over with a cool demeanor.

"Do you want a ride?" he blurted out after a second of silence.

Bella almost turned around to make sure she was the one he was asking. "S – sure," Bella stuttered.

"Told you," a voice muttered, and Bella jumped before realizing Alice was standing at the bottom of the porch.

"Why are you standing there?" Bella asked, concerned.

"Oh, you know," Alice sang, "Didn't want to be interrupting anything..."

Bella and Edward shared a blush.

"Such a huge nuisance in a little package," he muttered.

* * *

"How are you today?" Bella asked Alice in the car. Bella chose to sit in the back because it didn't seem fair to take Alice's seat, even though they all had a big disagreement about it for about five minutes. But finally Bella won, leaving Alice rolling her eyes and Edward looking surly in the driver's seat.

"I'm good," Alice replied, filing her petite nails. Bella jealously looked over her delicate, doll-like frame. She was so pretty and perfect looking. "And so are you."

"Always saying things with such certainty," Bella quipped. "One day you're going to be wrong, you know."

"And the world could end tomorrow." Alice blew dust off her finger. "But I wouldn't bet on it Bella."

* * *

When Bella got out of the car, her eyes met Edward's fully for the first time that morning, straight forward and unafraid. They smiled at each other, and Bella realized then that Saturday hadn't been a mistake, an anomaly, or a dream.

As they all walked into school, Bella suddenly stopped short. Edward and Alice turned around; Edward looking quizzical, Alice smiling.

"What is it?" Edward asked her, and was shocked to see the broad grin that stretched across her face, and quickly became horrified by the lone tear that escaped her rapid blinking.

"I just..." Bella laughed tearfully, brushing it away. "This is going to sound silly, but just now...I had that really rare feeling you get when you suddenly think...'This is where I belong. Right here, in this moment, in this time, with these people, in this way.' It's...just kind of overwhelming me right now."

They both beamed at her and together they continued walking into the school, Edward's hand finding hers and making the moment even more right.

* * *

They encountered their fair shape of gossip, whispers, and interrogations that day, and neither one of them knew what to say.

_You were basically my girlfriend_, Edward drawled cockily later, _Which I thought was an understood truth. But since we hadn't actually _said_ it...I decided to take some affirmative action._

* * *

"Would you like to go to the park with me?" Edward asked after they had pulled up to his house and Alice had discreetly left to leave them be. He asked so formally in fact, his face serious and stoney, that Bella wasn't sure if it was even a serious request.

"Yeess?" she answered slowly, unsure.

"Thank you," Edward answered, still perfectly serious, and turned around to back up.

_What do you mean? _Edward asked when Bella inquired about his stony demeanor later. _I was trying to court you. I wanted it to be official. _She just shook her head, chuckling. _"Next time," _she answered,_ "Don't act like you're asking the girl to a funeral."_

"_Bella. There is no next time for me."_

Together they drove to the local park, containing a small landscaped area surrounded by gloomy woods with hiking trails.

"Swings!" Bella suddenly shouted excitedly, getting out of the car to bounce and point at what was causing so much joy to show on her face. "My favorite!"

She ran towards the playground and Edward followed, grinning. It was a grisly day; gray, chilled and damp. The park was absolutely deserted, except for the two young, nervous almost-lovers.

Bella hopped on the swings and beamed at Edward, who was considerably more subdued with his amusement.

"I haven't been to a park in so long," she confided in him. "Probably since I was eleven."

"Eleven?" Edward asked incredulously. "Really?"

"I grew up fast I guess," Bella said, shrugging.

Edward walked behind her, setting his hands just a millimeter above hers on the plastic-encased chains. He pulled back and then gently pushed her forward, letting her glide through the air.

Bella was so happy she could scream. "No one's ever pushed me on the swings before!"

Edward just shook his head again. "You poor deprived child!" he called as she swung away from him, laughing a little bit. "What a dreary childhood you had."

After some time they moved on from the swings to the monkey bars. Bella stopped underneath them to look up, hesitant. "Hello, my old enemy," she sighed, "For those who lack upper body strength. Actually! You know what I want to do?"

"What?"

"Hang upside down," Bella answered, smiling confidently. "I was always too scared to do that. But now I feel okay about it."

"I'll catch you if you fall Bella," Edward told her.

And so up she went to sitting precariously on top of the monkey bars. Hooking the bend of her knee over one bar and hooking her feet under another, she slowly lowered herself backwards until she was seeing the world – Edward's face – upside down.

"It's not so bad," Bella said, smiling. "I don't know what I was afraid of." Edward stood directly in front of her upside down face, sharing her happiness. They stared for a long time.

"You don't need to be afraid of anything Bella," he whispered. Slowly, their mouths touched, lips softly pressing together in gentle affection.

And then Bella fell off the monkey bars.

"Bella!" Edward yelled, exasperated.

"Hey! _You_ said you would catch me!"

"Bella, I am only human."

* * *

_**Present day, August, 2011**_

Bella burst into their house enraged, the first real emotion with any fire that she had felt in a year.

"Who did this?" she screamed. "Which one of you did this!"

Jasper's mouth dropped in shock from the couch, where he sitting and reading the newspaper, at the unexpected visit, and then the unexpected visitor, and then the unexpected visitor's mood. "What are you talking about?" He went over and put a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down, and talk to me."

Alice ran into the room, extremely concerned. "I knew it was another bad day!" she wailed. Walking over to Bella, she engulfed her in a hug. "What happened, sweetie?"

"I want to know," Bella began lividly, her nostrils flaring as she pushed Alice away. "What sick fuck left _an anniversary gift and card_ on our – m-my - bed!"

"What are you talking about?" Jasper repeated. "Start from the beginning."

So Bella took a deep breath and told them, her lips white the entire time.

Alice was covering her mouth with her hand by the end of the story.

"Bella, I really don't know who would do that," Alice whispered, "I'm trying to think but...I don't know, I'm not coming up with anything."

"Isn't that what you're supposed to be good at though?" Bella asked sharply, but with a hard glance from Jasper she softened her tone. "Are you telling me you don't _feel_ anything?"

Alice shook her head sadly. "I mean, you don't think it's possible...that maybe it's...?"

"No," Jasper interrupted. "If it was Edward, why wouldn't he just show himself? Does this really sound like something he would do if he was still..." Jasper faded off, realizing that he had said too much and broken a few of the unbroken rules they had.

Rule 1: Never say his name.

Rule 2: Never talk about him.

Rule 3: Never talk about him like he was dead.

Bella couldn't even cry anymore. She just sat down where she had been standing and curled into a ball, trying to squeeze the black hole in her chest into an insignificant cavity.

* * *

_**June, 2006**_

That summer before their senior year, Bella got to know the Cullens very well. She was invited over everyday, and at any time, according to Esme, who was so pleased to see her adopted son coming out of his very reserved shell when she was around. For Carlisle too this was a treat, to see that solemn boy who had turned into a serious man laugh so care-freely, try to act cocky to impress his girl, and actually behave as a normal teenage boy would.

The only thing Carlisle worried about in their relationship was the lack of condoms in Edward's room that Carlisle _didn't_ find after a discreet search.

After Edward got over his anger at the invasion of privacy, they sat down and had a talk. Or _the_ talk.

"Now Edward," Carlisle began. "I know we've had the logistics talk about sex, but the opportunity has never arisen before to get more into the...practical elements. When you're in a serious relationship, you need to treat it seriously. And if Bella gets pregnant, not only have you made your own life harder, but think about _her_ - "

"Dad, I'm going to cut you off right there," Edward interrupted. "The reason there are no condoms in my room is because we are not having sex. I want to wait until..." Edward took a deep breath. "Until I marry her. Which I fully plan on doing. And yes, I know how ridiculous it sounds, and it sounds like every other teenage dream kids have when they're in love - "

"You're in love?" Carlisle interjected, shocked.

"Of course." Edward's brow furrowed. "I thought it was rather obvious."

"Hmm..." Carlisle thought for a moment then stood up. "I know you'll do what's right son. And if you really want to marry her – well, I think the two of you grow from a rather different vine than others. So if you think that's what's going to happen, then no, it doesn't sound ridiculous. I just want you to think carefully about things is all." He clapped on a hand on his son's shoulder and left the room.

Bella's face was flushed the whole time Edward told her that story later, but she was glad it was a conversation that had taken place.

Because the Cullens, Bella learned, were the family she had always dreamed of having.

There was Carlisle, the calm, level-headed, compassionate town doctor and researcher, who always kissed his wife when he came home, had at least some small talk with his kids everyday, and wasn't bad on the eyes either, with his wind-swept blond hair and sea-foam green eyes, and laugh lines around his handsome, intelligent face.

Then there was Esme, the sweet, devoted mother and interior designer, who took aesthetics to be beautiful but understood their shallowness in a way Bella did not expect. Esme always cooked when she was down, cleaned when she was happy, gently scolded her kids a couple times a week, and was the glue that held the family together.

Alice quickly became Bella's best friend. Alice liked to shop and read horoscopes, but mainly just to laugh at them. She was far more accurate. Her closet was the size of Bella's room, her bathroom a Bath & Body Works shop in the essentials, and her heart seemed like it was too big to reside in such a small body. Alice, definitely the more outgoing of the two, always made sure Bella was included and had fun, and they had great times watching girly movies one night and then talking about their hopes and fears under a ceiling of stars the next.

And then there was Edward. What could she really say about her world? How do you describe the air you breathe, the water you need, the nourishment you crave, the shelter that keeps you safe? No. To try to describe him would be pointless and impossible. He was quite simply, everything.

Bella tried her best to combine both of her important worlds, and Charlie quickly became a semi-permanent fixture at the Cullens house too, finding an unexpected friend in Carlisle, and developing a deep admiration for the sweet and witty Esme.

For the first time, Bella actually felt connected to something. For once, she knew she belonged somewhere.

* * *

One night, when all the Swans and Cullens were under one residence, Alice had an idea.

"Family game night!" she cried from the dining room table, where she had been writing to her new pen pal in Texas who planned on going to the same college, and everyone who had been rather lounging about – Carlisle and Charlie drinking a light beer on the sofa, Esme cleaning from dinner with Bella helping, Edward sneaking into the kitchen to find excuses to touch his girlfriend - perked up in interest.

"What do you reckon Alice?" Charlie called, who had grown extremely fond of the spirited young girl who encouraged his daughter to come out of her shell as well.

"Monopoly," Alice said, grinning evilly and tapping her fingertips together.

"No Alice," Edward yelled from the kitchen, his hand sneaking into Bella's back pocket before she slapped his hand away, furtive glances being stolen towards Esme. "You always win!"

"Yup," Alice agreed proudly, "But won't it be fun to see if you can possibly not lose as bad as you normally do?"

Edward grumbled and, after everyone's agreement, went to grab the board game from the hall closet.

An hour later, Carlisle pulled out of the game first, having lost horribly. The room was in a near riot, the families yelling amicably, insulting, goading, and attacking each other verbally in the way that only friends can do with faux anger that easily dissolves like sugar in liquid.

Bella was the next to go, having lost on purpose just to escape the madness.

Walking into the kitchen to refill her glass of water, she was surprised to pass Carlisle just leaning against a wall that opened into the dining room, watching his family with a small smile on his face. And his eyes...they were so soft and warm. He looked the same way Bella had felt when she was walking into school with Alice and Edward that day – that feeling of being exactly where you're supposed to be.

Bella wanted to say something but Carlisle beat her to it. "Thank you Bella," he said.

"For what?"

"For completing our family. Everyone is happy now." He smiled blissfully and pulled her in for an unexpected hug. Bella buried her face in his chest to hide her burgeoning tears.

"Thank you," she whispered back. "For...everything."

"You're welcome dear. Now let me refill that cup for you." He took the glass from her just as another series of outcries sounded from the next room, and they both laughed, acknowledging the moment to be over.

* * *

But disaster struck at the end of the summer. One day, Bella could no longer get in touch with Edward as easily as usual. He didn't return her calls or texts for a week. Bella tried driving over when she couldn't get a hold of Alice either, but nobody answered, though they were clearly home.

Feeling frightened that she was losing everything, Bella began to go a little manic. Even Charlie was concerned about the Cullens' inexplicable absence from society.

"Carlisle wasn't at work today apparently. Again," he reported one night during dinner, where Bella was just pushing her spaghetti around half-heartedly.

A week later, a knock sounded on the door. Without much enthusiasm, Bella, the only one home, went to open it.

"Edward!" she gasped. Edward was soaking wet in a white t-shirt and black jacket, leaning against her door frame. Over his shoulder, Bella could see it was pouring almost an absurd amount outside.

"Bella," he breathed, and then grabbed her up in a hug. "I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair. "I didn't mean to shut you out, it's just...it's been a really bad time."

She hugged him back tightly, ignoring how soaked she was getting from being pressed against his dripping clothes. "It doesn't matter," she whispered back. "I'm always here when you need me, in whatever way."

He picked her up then and walked into the house, shutting the door before carrying her to the couch like he didn't want to let her go.

"What happened?" Bella murmured against his shoulder. But he just shook his head.

"Not today," he said almost with no voice. "I don't want to think about it. I came here to escape."

"Okay..." Bella hated being left in the dark. Did someone die? How serious was this? Pretty damn serious, she was gathering. But he needed her for comfort right now, and she let it be, being what he needed, even if it was just for today.

Their lips touched and danced, the familiar rhythm that Bella had missed so much the past few weeks. "It was killing me," she whispered without thinking about it.

Edward's lips pressed harder and suddenly his hands were roaming her body, lightly outlining her breasts, one hand reaching under her shirt to carress her smooth skin. Gasping, she murmured his name, tugging his hair just the tiniest bit. Hands flew everywhere, all at once. In a whirlwind of grief and lust, their clothes were on the floor, Edward's mouth covering every inch of her body at some point. She tried to reciprocate, but it was too fast, too good, too much, and her body began to shake from the agony of her desire.

"Tell me no," Edward pleaded, but Bella just shook her head.

"Fine." Edward closed his eyes and swallowed hard. The moment slowed, and then stopped as Edward pulled ruefully away from her. "Then I will. Because this isn't how it happens." He started handing Bella her clothes first and Bella, understanding, sighed and began to redress.

"But if this was how it happens," Bella said suddenly as Edward was putting his belt back on, "It would still be right. Because it would still be us."

* * *

On the first day of their senior year at school, another week after Edward's reappearance – she hadn't seen him since – Bella was sitting outside her first period when a pair of fashionable sneakers stepped in front of her, and a letter dropped into her lap.

"My mom didn't want anyone to know," was all he said, "But we managed to convince her that you are the exception."

_July 31, 2006_

_Dear Family,_

_You all have been precious to me for a time, but that time is now gone. And so I must be too. Please don't look for me or try to contact me. I will send child support but don't try to track me. I need to move on with my life and I recommend you do the same. Trust me – I am a doctor after all. _

_With glancing, lingering affection  
Carlisle_

Bella sat in stunned silence as she read and reread the letter as if the words would suddenly change. "Are you sure he wasn't – wasn't kidnapped or something?" Bella asked, pleading for some excuse to be true to prove that these cold words weren't that of the man she thought she knew.

"We thought of that," Edward said. "But it is his hand-writing, and he left on a night when we were all in the house. If it were something devious, Esme would've woken up at least. And it looks like he had packed all the essentials the night before. It seems it was pretty premeditated. And he has been sending money, but it's an off-shore account so we can't track it. Esme didn't even know about it, adding more to the premeditated theory."

"I can't believe he would do that!" Bella cried, devastated on their behalf. All she could think of was that look in Carlisle's eyes that night he watched his family. Bella felt sure, even now, that there was nothing other than pure love and joy in his mind, but could she have been so mistaken? Perhaps that blissful smile meant something else. Maybe that was what was left of his compassion; being happy that he could leave his family behind and know they would be fine. "I thought you guys were the perfect, happy family…"

Edward shrugged, glaring away. He could have been chiseled from ice. "Yeah, well, you think you know a person. But fine. If he doesn't want to be a father, then that's just fine. I have no father anymore."

"Edward…" Bella whispered, concerned. Standing up, she reached to put a hand on his shoulder. "It's not that easy. I know you're angry right now and that's warding off the pain, but sooner or later…"

"I'm fine," Edward snapped, shaking her hand off. Bella's arm fell limply back to her side as she stared at him, hurt. "Just don't worry about it." Turning on his heel, he began to stalk away, and Bella's heart broke just a little bit. But almost immediately Edward was turning back around. He strode right up to her, put his hands on her shoulders, and kissed her firmly, almost desperately, on the lips. "No," he whispered, "I'll _never_ walk away from you. I'll never be _him_."

His hovering mouth took in a deep, shaky breath. "Bella?"

"Yes?" she breathed.

"Marry me."

* * *

So excited to be getting back in to my groove. Please review!

- _The Romanticidal Edwardian_


	7. Race

Carlisle Cullen M.D.

July 30, 2006

Seattle Hinnen Study Base, Washington

Journal: Dr. Cullen's Research Log

_My fellow friends of medicine! I believe I have stumbled upon a discovery to revolutionize modern medicine. If my studies are correct, this could be the end of cancer permanently – or at least a step in the right direction. Forgive me if my diction is not as reposed as perhaps it ought to be. I believe this information to be of the utmost importance and I am eager to share my discovery. While working on a serum to strengthen cells against outside anomalies – which is a process still in the works, as the rats that were tested with them only half-way fought against contagions and viruses, leaving them rather demented (if their behavior suggests their thought pattern) – I actually discovered an opposing serum. Instead of strengthening organic cells, I have been able to target a specific strain of virus to weaken and ultimately kill itself. What occurs is..._

Quick eyes darted across the screen, and then the man reading half-turned his head, calling his partner into the room.

"Read this," a mouth hissed.

Another quick set of eyes did, and then began a hacking process, copying the document before removing it.

"Has anyone else seen this?" the second mouth murmured.

"That's unconfirmed."

"Do you know what this means?"

They stared at each other, and then began to laugh in victory, as the second partner booked a private flight.

* * *

Elsewhere, another pair of eyes reread the article, then the owner of the eyes leaned back, frowning.

Speaking a name, another body entered the room.

"Read this," the woman commanded.

The man raised an eyebrow at the rude direction, but took the paper from her.

He frowned as well. "You don't think...?"

"We're not the first to have read it, but it has been removed. Which means we have to act quickly."

The man suddenly smiled. "My dear. I believe this could actually work in our favor."

"Oh?"

"I have a theory."

* * *

All places, people, and things are figments of my overactive imagination. Please review.

- _The Romanticidal Edwardian_


	8. Prayers For Rain

…you strangle me entangle  
me in hopelessness and prayers for rain I  
deteriorate I live in dirt and nowhere glows but  
drearily and tired the hours all spent on killing  
time again all waiting for the rain.

Prayers For Rain, The Cure

**August, 2010**

It was almost ironic the way it was so hard to find a gift for someone you knew better than you knew yourself. But then, who ever really knows what the self wants anyway?

Edward had found himself encountering this very issue for weeks. Window shopping every chance he got, he neither found source nor inspiration. Frustrated, he wondered if he was losing his touch. He always seemed capable of thinking of the perfect gift for Bella every year. Perhaps that was the problem. How many times could one compound on perfection?

He shook the thoughts from his head. 'No,' he thought, 'It will be even more perfect this year.'

And a week or so later, he struck gold.

While driving around the downtown Seattle area, he slowed as he passed what looked like an eclectic little shop, probably owned by some old witch doctor. What caught his attention were the shelves of books right outside the door with a 'Don't steal me please!' sign on each cart.

Parking, he got out and stopped to scan the selections outside the door. There were a lot of books on Greek mythology, Wiccan life, cooking, self-help, and romance. When finally nothing appealed to him, he peered through the door at the dim little shop.

Desperation making him hopeful, he entered the store with a little tinkle sounding over his head. The first thing he noticed was the smell - the musk of aged books and trinkets, and of rarely-cleaned carpet. It was like an established garage sale. For the most part as Edward looked around, he noticed that a lot of what surrounded him was junk. But every once in a while his eyes would land on some gem.

Meandering over to the jewelry case next to the cash register, he peered through the glass without expectation.

But his eyes quickly landed on a delicate gold chain with a sizeable but refined gold heart. Under any other circumstances, that would have been nothing special. But in front of this necklace, which was clearly at least a hundred years old, was a poem that told its history of two lovers in a time of war.

"I see you've found R and J," said an old, scratchy voice. Looking up, startled, Edward's eyes landed upon the store's owner. For such a raspy, mystical voice in such a bohemian-esque shop, Edward was expecting somewhat of a gypsy woman. But instead his eyes fell on a little old lady with short white hair, tan slacks, and a pink polo.

"Excuse me?" he asked politely.

"Remi and Jean-Luc," she answered. "Those poor bastards. Remind you of anyone?"

"Romeo and Juliet…" he murmured in acknowledgement. This his eyes lit up. "She loves that story!" he cried out in excitement, forgetting himself for a moment. The bell went off over the door and Edward looked around uneasily to see if he had disturbed anyone. If he had, they were all turning back to their treasure hunts, but the big man in the black jacket and sunglasses that just walked in gave him a double-take.

Edward rolled his eyes, turning back around.

"Could I see that necklace up close?" Edward asked the owner. She smiled slyly and pulled out a key to unlock the glass sliding door. Then she pressed the necklace into his hand softly, like a blessing.

"Read the inside," she suggested.

But Edward first peered on the outside, where up close he could see sprawling lines that might have been flower stems encasing the heart in a cage of beautiful texture and indentations. Cracking it open along the hinge carefully, his eyes scanned the French text a couple times before he understood.

_More than my own life._

"I'll take it," he said firmly.

* * *

Edward began the walk back to his car, whistling cheerfully. All the spaces outside the store had been taken, so Edward cut through an alley, trying to get to the street on the backside of the building where his car was parked.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end. Outside, twilight had fallen, but heavy shadows falling between the two buildings made it much closer to dusk where Edward stood. Somewhere in the shadows, Edward could feel not all was right.

He stopped and turned. Sure enough, he saw the big man from the store standing in the opening of the alley, and, Edward couldn't quite tell, but it looked like the man was staring right at him. Edward wasn't sure if he still had sunglasses on or not.

This shouldn't have seemed off but it did, and Edward couldn't ignore his instinct. "Can I help you?" he called.

The big man grinned. The only reason Edward could tell was because the man's teeth were shockingly white, and pierced through the darkness. Edward took an automatic step back while registering it.

"Edward Cullen?" the man asked. Then he laughed, tipping his head back and taking in a deep breath. His sunglasses fell off in the process. "Of course you are," he answered himself. "The smell is uncannily similar."

His head fell forward again and through the dim another source of illumination bit at the darkness.

The man's blood red eyes. Those were no contacts.

Edward had always been very fast at running. In high school, he joined track in senior year and won the state championship.

Edward spun on his heel and began to run as fast as he possibly could.

But he hadn't made it more than five steps before he slammed into something very hard and solid, Edward's breath came out in a woosh and his nose stung terribly as he hit the ground. Putting his hand to his nose, he could tell that it was broken and was probably about to start bleeding.

"Tut, tut, tut," said the big man who was somehow now in front of him, sneering down. "I'm supposed to get you back aliv – " He stopped, sniffing.

The man's jaw went slack, his pupils dilated, and the red rim still showing of his iris seared a heavy crimson through the night. Looking up at him, there was no confusing the look on his face.

Hunger. Insatiable, needy hunger.

Before Edward could scramble away, scream, or even take breath, the man was on top of him, his weight like a boulder, crushing Edward's body. But that wasn't his biggest concern as the man suddenly bit into his neck, breaking the skin near the jugular and beginning to suck.

_'Vampire?_' was the only feeble thought that Edward could manage as he screamed out in pain, but then a big hand was covering his mouth, breaking his jaw with just the pressure. His other hand gripped at Edward's shirt as if for balance, or substance. It ripped like tissue under the man's hands.

Edward's head started to spin as he lost more and more blood. His vision got hazy, his physical protestations weaker. Soon he stopped yelling and went limp. His hands pushed feebly against the man's chest and then, he just couldn't fight anymore.

_'I'm sorry Bella…_' was his last thought, his bag holding her anniversary gift still around his wrist.

A chirping sound broke through the water Edward felt like he swimming through to stay conscious.

It stopped without either registering. Then it started up again.

Somehow, the man was brought back to himself and he sat up, looking down at Edward. "Shit," he cursed, licking the blood around his lips into his mouth. He grabbed his phone and looked down at the screen. "Shit, shit shit," the man repeated.

Then Edward was gone to peaceful oblivion.

* * *

Felix realized Edward was probably going to die. He was pretty sure he had drained him too dry to recover.

Taking a deep, unnecessary breath, Felix threw Edward over his shoulder and ran to a nearby abandoned warehouse, where there were plenty to choose from in this area of town. He had to at least clean up his mess and hide the body.

Among a pile of scraps, Edward's body was thrown unceremoniously. Felix ran a hand through his hair. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I am in such deep shit," he whispered. Edward's heartbeat was fading fast.

Then he began to run as fast as he could towards the nearest car, hotwiring it and speeding away.

By the time the shrieking started in the warehouse, proving him wrong, Felix was long gone.

* * *

It was worse than being roasted alive.

It was worse than being whipped.

It was worse than being run straight through with a serrated blade.

It was worse than purgatory.

It was almost worse than knowing you would never see the one you loved ever again, because you knew – and this was the worst part of it all – knew, that you were in hell.

* * *

Fire consumed him. For years it felt like, someone opened up every one of his arteries, placed a blowtorch at the opening, and the actual flame licked through every inch of his body. It seared his sinews together, roasted his bones. It dissolved all fluid in him and made him into as much of a desert as he was deserted.

He would open his eyes and only see red, scratch out and tear and claw and rip his skin apart on the bed of spikes where he lay. He could have been Jesus. But if he was in some way atoning for every one of the world's sins, he didn't understand how he could live in such a fucked up place. There weren't enough sins to cover this amount of agony.

Oh the pain. How could he even describe it, were he coherent enough to?

If you watched someone you loved be killed, and then heard laughter.

If you made every molecule, every atom of his being a nuclear bomb, and blew each one up individually in slow-motion, maybe that would cover it.

Or maybe, the best way to describe the pain was like this: even in his pain-riddled mind, Edward saw his love, his entire life, slipping away from him.

Fire consumed, torched, and changed. Lick after lick of flame browned, shriveled, blackened, and dissolved. The fire was changing him in some important, poignant way. Possibly turning him into a deadly flame too. Or just easily-swept away ashes on the floor. Either way, the wildfire that had taken control of his forest was too great to be put out.

He would just feel like this for the rest of time, he assumed. For if he was in hell, there was no escaping.

"Bella!" he screamed out numerous times. "BELLA! HELP ME! PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" he sobbed tearlessly, writhing on the nail-strewn planks. He slammed a fist down and found he went straight through to the floor. "BELLA! PLEASE!"

But she never came. No one did, for three days.

For an eternity of pain, Edward struggled as all do who reap great rewards and therefore must engage in great sacrifice.

Maybe he had been too happy. And this was his punishment for all the luck he had in his life. Maybe it wasn't his sins being punished – it was his bliss being balanced.

* * *

Edward's heart took its last feeble beat, weary from struggling to stay alive in time to die.

He lay still. There was an itch in the back of his throat and there were sounds all around him. Creaks of air on wood, tires crunching pavement, work trucks and construction workers leaving for the evening.

His eyes opened. His _throat_! God it burned.

Before he could even consider the fact that everything was disorienting in how sharp and bright it was, and in so many shades that human eyes are blind to – were those new _colors_? – the itch in the back of his throat…

Exploded.

Crying out, and jumping at his voice, which sounded entirely different to him now, his hands grabbed at his neck, his fingernails digging in like he was going to tear himself apart. But he ended up cringing as a sound similar to a nail scraping rock screeched in his newly sensitive ears.

Staggering up, Edward found he didn't stagger at all. All at once, he was standing up, not quite sure how he got there, just knowing he vaguely considered it and it happened.

The fire…that damn _fire_. All of the pain he had been feeling all over trapped itself into his esophagus and he needed something. He needed….

Smelling something appetizing in the air, he inhaled and shouted out again as the flame inside flared up.

Before he was even sure what he was doing, he was running towards it.

He was hit with a wall of sound. He couldn't see anyone in the street on this side of town, but all the sudden there were…voices in his head. Voices that weren't his own.

_I wonder if he'll like…_

_I'm so late!_

_God I'm horny._

_Yeah, no one knows what happened._

Millions of voices, all similar to that, raging in his head.

"Ahh!" he cried out, grabbing his hair with a grip so strong it took him back enough to let go.

He needed to get rid of the voices.

He needed to leave to somewhere quiet.

He needed to eat.

_Vampire_, he remembered thinking, but he found his memories were dull and it was like looking at them through a fog. But was that what he was now?

The thirst in his throat licked at the insides of his body, urging him to drink, to find sustenance. There was a coppery, sweaty, but still appetizing scent nearby and he was running, faster than ever, but he couldn't think, it was cloudy and he was running and he turned down an alley and there it was, a small man with black hair and mean eyes who didn't even register him as Edward flew on top of him, a strange, feral snarl escaping him. On instinct alone, Edward grabbed the man's head and jerked it back before sinking his teeth into the easily pierced skin of his prey's neck. It all happened so fast the man didn't even have a chance to scream.

Edward drained him dry and when he stood up, the fire was still there, but he could think a little more clearly.

Sighing in relief, he looked down.

And realized what he had done. The man was pale, bruised colors turning his lips and under his eyes purple. They were open, gazing lifelessly at an alley wall and Edward honestly couldn't recall entirely how he got here, he was so all-encompassed that anything outside of his raging appetite was lost to irrelevancy.

"What…" he whispered. "Have I…?"

So many voices in his head. So many voices around him. He grabbed his hair again and screamed.

And then he ran. He ran, ran, ran and while he was running he remembered what should have been his first thought.

_Bella._

* * *

He had to get home. He had to talk to her, so they could try to figure out what happened to him because this just couldn't be real.

But the blood still coating his mouth certainly tasted real.

He closed his eyes in ecstasy. Then shuddered in absolute horror.

* * *

He was everywhere at once. He could think so much more clearly but there was so much more to think about.

_Bella_, he thought, when the voices got too loud. **_Bella_**.

Running through side streets, he was smelling the most _appetizing_ scents he just about couldn't resist.

But he was stubborn and horrified. "Please," he whispered to the universe. "Please don't let me do anything like that ever again."

He was outside of his house. He could hear crying from inside the house but nothing else. He realized it was coming from the upstairs bedroom.

Edward went straight up to the door and almost knocked when a scent, _the most amazing scent yet_, hit him like a tidal wave. He involuntarily let loose a savage growl in a tone too low for humans to hear, before he realized the smell was inside the house.

_Bella._

He stood rigid, and his breathing stopped. And he realized it didn't bother him.

The smell…the smell…was there anything greater in the world.

He had to _have it._

No. It was Bella.

So? You need it.

No! I can control it -

You can't control it.

I love her.

Take her.

Another quiet sob broke through Edward's thoughts and even though every single one of his muscles were clenched to attack and he was resisting the urge to breathe in the tantalizing aroma once more, he knew what he had to do.

"Bella," he mouthed with no sound. "I'm so sorry."

He turned around and ran. And ran. And ran.

* * *

At one point he caught his reflection. He was relieved to even have one at first.

But then he looked at himself. Shirtless, matted with his own blood and perhaps…the man's that he killed…He was deathly pale and more handsome than he had ever been; an unearthly, ethereal beauty. His hair was crazy and covered in sawdust and crimson stain. He looked strong. But when he looked at his eyes, glowing, blood red eyes, he finally realized, and believed in what he had become, no matter what his beautiful mask belied.

A monster.

* * *

Decided to break this chapter in to two parts because it was getting too long, and I feel like this enough of a transition for one chapter alone to hold. Please review!

_The Romanticidal Edwardian_


	9. What Sarah Said

_Love is watching someone die.  
__So who's going to watch you die?_

What Sarah Said, by Death Cab For Cutie

_**August 2010**_

He was running, through woods and mountains, desolate areas without anyone else in sight, sound, or scent. Edward was so relieved to have the voices gone from his head he could cry, but even in his extraordinary circumstances, no tears would come. A stream came up and Edward found that he cleared it easily in a single bound, despite the fact that it was at least thirty yards wide. But there was a lot about his new self that he was discovering. The more he discovered, the more terrified he became.

He stopped on the other side of the stream. Not because he was tired – oh no, he did not seem tire easily, if at all it appeared. He stopped because his throat was on fire, despite having fed on the man only a couple hours ago. It was agony and distraction and it consumed him, this thirst, just like the first time.

The smell of richly dirt-like blood filled his nostrils and he looked around to see a buck lapping at water a mile downstream. His mouth did not water with as much venom – for surely this sweet, sickly, thick-water like substance was no ordinary saliva - as earlier but it did a little. And that gave Edward an idea.

Blood was blood.

Running so fast he reached the buck in a mere two seconds, he tackled it to the ground and before it could even give a startled animal shriek his teeth were burying itself in the buck's fur, ripping it out to reach the skin of the neck. His strong hands kept the animal still despite its kicking out, which Edward barely felt. As soon as the poisonous saliva released itself into the blood stream of his victim, the buck stilled.

The blood pooled in Edward's mouth quickly, messily, and he drank with the sloppiness of a newborn and the desperation of a mad man. This blood was dirty-tasting, not at all pure and satisfying like that man's. But when the buck was drained dry and Edward was standing up, he realized that he did not feel so crazed and deranged. He felt more full.

And he realized there were other methods of survival than the monstrous way of his awakening. There were still choices, and he had the capacity to make them. If only barely.

* * *

He did not feel tired at all when night fell and he was huddling in the high branches of an easily scrambled-up tree to keep away from predators. More for their safety than his, he was realizing. Still, he closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep.

Memories, not dreams, took ahold of him and he realized quickly, with horror, that his memories were cloudy and dim, like looking through warped glass. Hurriedly, he pulled Bella's face to the front of his mind, a face he knew better than anyone's. But the fog obscured the minute details of her as well and he focused more intently, drawing on all the new brain power afforded to him to cement his love in his mind.

"How can I forget?" he whispered. "I can never forget."

So he began to think about the things that he couldn't bare to lose.

* * *

_**December 2006**_

"Marry me."

"Again you start with this. Do you ever get tired of being rejected?"

"It kills me every time. Which is why you should just say yes."

"Edward."

"Bella."

This conversation had occurred with ever increasing frequency since Carlisle's disappearance.

They were in his kitchen, making hot chocolate. Edward put his hand over Bella's, easing the stirring spoon from her so he could take hold of both of her hands, looking her in the eye.

"I love you," he vowed. "Forever. And I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. You've already said that you feel the same. So what's so wrong with being engaged?"

Bella shuddered at the word. "Because, you don't want to wait to get married and I do. So it's easier if I just don't get your hopes up if it happening anytime soon."

Edward stopped. "Should I do it more publicly?" he inquired, cocking his head to the side. "The reason I never do is because I know you would hate anything nice, special, or romantic, but maybe I've been going about it wrong?"

Bella threw her hands in the air. "Clearly you haven't listened to a word I've said, so I just give up."

"Is that a yes?" Edward asked eagerly.

"NO!"

Esme walked in then, dressed for work. The two fell silent and glanced at her, staring without trying to. With a blank stare, they watched as she poured some coffee and grabbed a bagel, wrapping it in a paper towel. She stared at it for a long time before looking up.

"Hey mom," Edward said, finally not looking at her.

"Hello honey," she murmured. "Hello Bella."

"Hi Esme," Bella said. They were both being careful. They couldn't be sure what Esme's mood was like today.

To both their surprise, Esme came up to both of them and gave them a kiss and a hug. "Have a good day," she said through a daze and then walked out, calling for Alice.

"Do you think Mom was acting strange today?" Alice said to Edward and Bella as they sat on the couch, watching some movie.

They both nodded. "Maybe it's just a good day," Bella suggested.

Edward frowned and Alice shook her head. "I dunno…I just get this weird feeling. Like when…um, he left, I kinda sensed something was coming, but I wasn't sure. I kind of have a similar feeling of not really knowing but…maybe something…"

The phone rang. Their heads all snapped to it.

No one ever called anymore, except Bella or Charlie. Charlie was working and Bella was there.

Edward went to answer it. "Hello?"

His face was serious. "We'll be right there."

He turned back to them and the girls watched him anxiously, waiting for him to speak. "You were right Alice," he said through thin, white lips.

"What happened?" Bella asked, jumping up to hurry to him, placing her hand on his arm.

"Esme's in the hospital. She…" He broke off, looking away.

They were silent, waiting, and finally Edward took a deep breath, lifting his head back up.

"Let me guess," Alice asked, her face now becoming carefully blank, her eyes losing their glint and becoming dull and unfocused. Then she seemed to snap back to reality with a look of more clarity in the grey of her iris and the carbon of her iris.

"She tried to kill herself."

* * *

Outside Esme's clear, heavy glass door was the male nurse assigned to watch her in case she tried anything again. But as they slowly filed in to her room, it seemed unnecessary to have such a guard. Esme was just lying there, staring at the ceiling blankly. She had bandages around her neck and head, both her eyes were bruised, she had a sprained wrist, and was covered in a copious amount of small cuts and bruises. At least she finally looked the way she felt. Her deadened gaze at the ceiling made sense with her outwardly appearance.

She had apparently run her car into the side railing of the highway. Thankfully only at fifty miles an hour instead of seventy. The car was totaled but she had made it out remarkably unharmed, all things considered. The doctor hypothesized that she hadn't tensed up, having already been prepared to die.

There was total silence, and no one was looking at each other.

Edward didn't know how he should act. Inside, he was so angry he could burst. He was so upset he could cry. He was so relieved he could hug her. He was so hurt he could kill her. So he just stood silently, tensely. Bella was gripping his hand so hard it almost hurt and when he glanced over he saw that she was biting a trembling lip. Her emotion just made him more tense, realizing that he had to be strong for her. For everyone. He was the man of the house now. He was the only man left. And, in his mind, he told himself he was the only real man that had ever been there. Because a real man would never leave a woman in the current state his mother was in.

"Mom?" Alice was the first to speak, going up to Esme and putting her hand over hers. "I know things are hard," her voice broke, "But I'm glad you're still here."

And then everybody started crying except Edward, who glared at the ceiling, blinking back the tears.

* * *

Alice and Bella went up to hug Esme at the same time, their combined tears wetting the bed sheets in large patches.

"Mom," Alice sobbed. "I'm so sorry Mom. So sorry we didn't help you. I'm so sorry for everything…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for darling," Esme choked out, petting both Alice and Bella's hair. "I have everything to be sorry for…I should never have tried to…I'm just so….I don't know how to deal with feeling like I do. But I love you so much. And I'm going to get better. Things are going to get better, okay? I'll never leave you honey. I can't believe I tried to…I'm no better than…"

"You're depressed," Bella pointed out through her tears. "That's not the same thing. We'll just….you'll get some help and everything will get better."

Esme looked towards her adopted son, who was still just standing there.

"I am so sorry Edward," she said through wracking sobs that looked painful. "You are so strong and brave and have been through so much…I'm so sorry to do this to you. To all of you. I hope you'll learn to forgive me. I just don't know how to be as...as...remarkable as you are."

"I forgive you," he said through tight lips. His clenched fists didn't sell his words.

"Edward," Bella whispered, standing up next to Esme's bedside. "Try to understand."

"No." He was shaking. "I want you to understand. I want you to comprehend what this would have meant if she had succeeded. We would have both been completely parentless. _Again_. We would have been abandoned by someone we trusted. _Again_. And we would be displaced, alone, and struggling. So don't tell me to understand because I already do. Perfectly." He aimed a glaring eye toward his adopted mother. "I'm glad you're still here. For all of our sakes. Maybe I'm supposed to be gentle and compassionate right now. But I just can't be."

He turned on his heel and stormed out.

* * *

Bella came up behind Edward where he sat on the front steps of the community's small hospital. She put her hand on his shoulder and sat down next to him.

There was silence for a little while as they listened to an ambulance pull up to the emergency entrance on the other side of the hospital. People walked in and out of the sliding glass doors looking harried, scared, or cheerful. It was easy to tell what kind of ailment their loved one was experiencing. For every solemn face there was the smile of someone who probably just became a father, an aunt, a grandfather. Not that there were too many people hurrying past them. It was still a small town, after all. But the circle of life continued, even here.

"Did you come here to scold me?" Edward asked dully.

Bella laid her head gently on his shoulder.

"No. I came here to tell you that you never have to be scared of being alone. I know that's what this is about."

"I feel like everyone I love…." Edward choked up, turning his head. "They all leave."

"Not everyone," Bella said softly.

She ran her hand down his arm, lacing her fingers through his. She took a deep breath.

"Edward? Ask me again."

* * *

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- The Romanticidal Edwardian


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